zadog

I will be, and I’ll tell you why.
‘Twas a brisk and sharpish Halloween night, the autumnal leaves leant a myriad of ochre hues across the lawn, glistening and emanating a layer of mist that glowed a light cobalt blue as the full moon lit up the clear sky as the onslaught of a frost bit into the earth.
It was that time of year, I had to pop out and swift cover up the more vulnerable plants in the greenhouse. With me coat fastened up tightly I hooded the potted plants in plastic bags and was just about to string them up when. . . a sudden low moan cut through the air. “Hhhuuuuuuuuuuuurrggggghhhh!” It went. The hairs on the nape of my neck stood on end as I trumped and stood with a start arming my self with a trowel in me mitt. Gingerly and moving with stealth I approached the source of the noise. There it was again that fearsome rumbling dirge that crackled with a menace that made my teeth hurt. I crouched down and tried to make out this slumped shape that was now bathed in the eerie mist in the centre of the lawn. What the deuce was it? I mused as I peered behind this bush. Remaining stationary this figure was. Still as a rock with barely a murmur, till it stood on what appeared to be it’s hind legs! Gave me a right start.
“Get off me garden you mucky pup you!” I bawled as the next door neighbor’s Japanese Akita pinched it’s massive loaf and scampered back through the opening in my hedge and sat tongue lolling and laughing with it’s bloody tail wagging.
Looking at the steaming atrocity on my well manicured lawn and at my Russian Blue cat circling it arched on all fours hissing like that tabby from the Alien horror moving picture, I decided to tell Robert, my neighbor, what for.
“I was there Robert. . . it ‘aint a big problem just come and pick it up and get rid of it.” I stated to my neighbor. Who was scowling and harrumphing;
“Are you sure it’s Digby? I mean. . . ”
“Sure? Your massive Akita took a dump on my grass, it wasn’t my cat. . , and it wasn’t Mrs Pumphries’s miniature Chihuahua either!”
With a huff and a face like a squeezed bum he wrapped a Tesco bag inside out in his manicured white hand and mumbled; “Really you are too much VG.”
“Look pal, that dog is more than welcome to come and play in my garden. . . me and the missus, we love him. But he ‘aint having his dumps there! Savvy? That is your responsibility.”
“Yes yes yes!”
“It must be the full moon, you know. . he doesn’t do it normally.” I stated to let Robert know I didn’t have that much of a problem with it, it was a young dog, and as long as I didn’t have to touch it I wasn’t ersed.
“Er. . . VG.” Robert recoiled back some as we approached the smelly mound. “Wha. . . what the hell is that?” Poor Robert flustered and grasping his glasses in disbelief as he stood behind me shaking like a leaf.
Shake as he should indeed. . . as the visage before us had me quaking in me boots let me tell thee. What appeared to be a seemingly normal pile of dog poo now stood aloft and proud sporting a dastardly Wizard’s outfit complete with a wand and bright malicious eyes.
“Begod! What the Blue Danube is that?” Pointing at the little turdish mage.
“Yibber Yabber!” It shrilled and scampered off laughing sticking his little shitety digits at us in a insulting manner.
‘He’s gone has he?” Whispered Robert.
“I believe so. . I mean, gone! Vamoosh!”
“I’ll not be needing this then?” He asked holding up his pooper-scoopering fist.
“No. .. no, I don’t think so. Say is your Czech Maid in tonight?”
“I think so. . why?” He asked in a accusatory fashion glancing at my wife doing the pots through the steamed up kitchen window.
“What? I’m just asking if she’s in tonight.” He wasn’t fully reconciled with the fact I have had the occasional tumble with his massively endowed European tigress maid of his. I waved at her over the hedge as she trilled and grasped her poonts as Robert turned in a ‘Holier than thou’ fashion.
“I bid you a good evening VG.” He said with decorum.
“Yeah yeah. . . you too.” I mumbled as I motioned the saucy crumpet to meet me in my shed at the bottom of the garden.
VG at yer service, rah!